end of a decade

honestly what's going on with me:
(or at least what i perceive to be going on)

i am working a part time job at a pizza kitchen...
this job is not bad, but it doesn't mean much to me.
i make very little money for how much time i put in.
spending 3 hours a day on the bus to get there...
i've been getting quite a bit of reading done;
however, i am usually exhausted by the time i get home.
i am humbled by my place in society.

my art/my music is changing...
it does not mean the same thing anymore.
i no longer feel as if i have a right to be heard/seen.
i still have a burning desire to create,
but it's been suffocated by worry.
i am playing in a band. we have fun sometimes.
i will not be playing shows by myself for awhile.
i'll be working on composition and recording.
preparation for school is at the top of my priority list.

my brother is getting married.
i knew it was coming; that it would happen eventually.
however, i have very little emotional response to the news.
i am excited for them...
but i'm not very close to my brother or his fiance anymore.
i love my family. i LOVE my brother more than he knows.
it's a sad fact of life that family drifts apart.
i want nothing more than to be a part of my own family again...
but i don't think any of us know how to fix what's broken.

i am moving out of a house that i've spent the last year in.
it's been a crazy experience with alternative community living.
i've met so many interesting and valuable people @ the hooker house.
i'll be renting from a couple of new friends, tally and jeremy.
they're remodeling their house and have a big room for me to use!

i am desperately seeking companionship, and cannot seem to find it.
whether it's my fault or not, i've been abandoned over and over again.
i am lonely; i am strong; i am silent; i am a fool
i have love but nobody to give it to.

i am agnostic. i do not understand god, or the christian church.
only a few people know about my decision to question my faith.
i have no desire to argue about christianity.
i have no desire to defend myself.
i am not angry at "god" or the church...
i just don't want to go on playing a religious game.
there ARE a few people of faith who made this decision VERY easy.

so that's my current life in a nutshell.
i am lost, and i'm alright with that for now.